But let's start at the beginning. Yesterday around 9 pm I noticed that Daisy was getting particularly restless and trying to inch closer and closer to me. She only does that when she is in pain or scared. So I picked her up and put her between my legs on the couch. And she felt much better and much safer there. And of course she got lots of loving, attention and lots of petting. We did take a couple of good pix of her. And when I looked at her eyes I saw that the spark was gone. The fight was out of her. And I pretty much knew that she wouldn't make it trough the night. But for now she was feeling not too bad. There were times when she did press her legs against me. I did the only thing I could do. Try to comfort her and give her love and attention.
Daisy did something that she would have never done otherwise. Just stay there between my legs and put her head on my thigh. And she seemed perfectly content with it. All was good until 2 am. Then her breathing started to get heavier and heavier. And for no apparent reason she started painting. That was something very difficult for me to watch. Right there I did hate myself for not having put her to sleep the previous afternoon. So I put her on the floor, thinking the cool floor might make it easier on her. But Daisy just got so restless, that I picked her up and spent with her on the couch. Didn't help with her breathing and panting, but she was much, much calmer.
So I spent the time giving her love, attention and lots and lots of petting. Every now and then she put her head up breathing particularly heavy. But I did notice that the breathing was getting more shallow. No wonder. How much fight can be in a 17 1/2 year old dog. I still think it's a privilege that my special man was chatting with me during that time. At least I wasn't alone.
Around 3.30 am I thought it was over. Daisy tensed her entire body up. Her tail standing straight in a 90 degree angle away. I've never seen anything like that. But she just kept on fighting. I tried to comfort her as good as I could. And at 4 pm the fight was over. Her body tensed completely up. Daisy raised her head one last time. Took 2 barely noticeable breaths. And it was all over. I saw it in her eyes.
I held her and cried the next 10 minutes into her coat. Still feeling for some breath. Then I grabbed the stethoscope to listen for any sign of a heart beat. But there was none. Then when it hit me, that my poor girl had gone from me. I took her in my arms, kissed her pretty CowDog face, petted her and cried the next 20 minutes into her coat. Then I layed her down on her in XMAS colors dressed up doggy bed. I really just sat there and stared at her for half an hour or so. No idea how long it really was.
My eyes all read an puffy. I don't remember having cried about anyones death so much ever. At 5 am I wrote an email to my VET, thanking him for his work and kind offer and informed him that Daisy had passed away. I still hope that having Daisy die at home with lots of love an attention make her more comfy than having stuck a needle into her leg on a cold table at a VET's office.
I don't know how often I kneeled during the night at her doggy bed and just cry in her coat. It's like getting your heart ripped out while you're still alive. And everything seems like a daze. Nothing seems to be real. Words and phrases just make you cry uncontrollably. No death of a relative no breakup of a relationship ever was that painful for me. Nothing seemed able to take the pain away. Focusing on different things didn't help either. So I just got drunk. I guzzled down one beer after the next one. Don't ask me how many. I don't have the slightest clue. I really hoped it would make me feel nothing. But that's just not how it works. It gets you drunk and eventually it gets you to sleep. It might even get you a hangover. But it doesn't make you feel nothing and it so doesn't take away the pain.
Now comes the equally painful task of having to deal with the aftermath. Like calling the pet mortuary, making choices on funeral arrangements and canceling Dais's stay at the boarding facility over XMAS. Not looking forward to those tasks.
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